First off I apologize for not posting anything lately. I have needed some time away to collect my thoughts and didn’t really want to let the world in on what was going on. The following is a small insight into the darker side of being an athlete.
Not going to lie, the past month has been a huge struggle for me. After breaking my toe and having to drop out of 3 races, I felt incredibly lost and unmotivated. Normally when I get injured I’m gung ho to get back into shape and eager to start racing again. I had these feeling for about a week and then the realization started hitting me. I was sitting around, hardly able to walk normally, gaining weight and frustrated that I wasn’t going to have enough ITU points to get into any races before nationals in Kelowna. Not only that, but everyone around me was improving their fitness, excited about racing and training hard. For one of the few times in my life, I was losing motivation. Something needed to change, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and not have to talk triathlon for a while. As a coach, I still had to be around triathlon each day and motivate others. This proved to be difficult when I didn’t even have enough motivation for myself.
I still trained most days but didn’t have the mental capacity to do intensity most days and on days that I did, I usually failed at the workout. I was swimming, biking and running slower than I have all year and saw myself slipping into the abyss of being out of shape. There were still some great training days that I truly enjoyed, but my coach Jack, my friends and anyone who knew me could tell there was something wrong. Obviously I knew something was wrong and needed to change, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Even knowing that Nationals are coming up on Aug 21 wasn’t enough to motivate me to put myself in intense pain during training, put myself through the intense and mentally taxing regime of losing weight and being exhausted from training 7 days a week.
Honestly, I needed a little bit of a summer. I went hiking, went to the zoo, had a couple bbq’s and tried to enjoy some of the luxuries of summer I usually miss. This was incredibly fun, but there was still something missing…training. I have now refocused and set new goals for the season which I will share shortly. I really needed to find my passion again and I have. No one ever teaches you how to deal with times in your life when you aren’t happy with yourself or where things are going. Often times it takes going through your personal purgatory and figuring out your own path to get back to a life of joy.